Let me begin by showing you a comic that helps set the stage for what I want to talk about.
Parents have gone overboard in parenting and perhaps you’ve witnessed this style of parenting. It is actually a detriment to our kids’ personal growth and future.
Allowing failure to happen is necessary for kids growth. The positive outcomes that result from failure show us plainly why parenting styles must change. Having raised 4 kids, coached four different sports for 20 years and worked with the Foster Care Review Board, I have been given plenty of insight into this growing problem. Young adults are struggling in society and kids are becoming more entitled, and we need to start letting our children fail if we desire to see them succeed.
There are many reasons why we should let children fail and not hover over them to “save them.” By not allowing failure we are sabotaging their lives. We are setting them up for harsh lessons that should have been learned in their youth. We are promoting entitlement and limiting their personal growth and shattering their ability to achieve their goals and dreams. Let’s take a look at the various areas that are contributing to this trend.
Natural consequences are essential. Breaking down how we go about letting our children fail requires us to take a more in-depth view of where we often “save them” from natural consequences. Sara Bean lists “5 Natural Consequences Why You Should Let Your Child Fail.”
Allowing failure when poor decisions are made at school results in showing your child “that rules are here for a reason and going against them is unpleasant.” When something goes wrong at school and your child receives detention, believe that there is a good reason for it. Allow the school to take action. If that action is no recess or perhaps a detention or community service, please support that authority and do not undermine the teachers, it is a natural consequence.
Another area of concern is with personal belongings. Most kids have their own space and a simple task of putting dirty clothes in the laundry can teach them a lot. If they choose not to, they simply will have no clean clothes. Maybe as a parent, you might even decide that the natural consequence of no clean clothes will go one step further, meaning that they are now responsible for washing their clothes.
A friend of mine, Brooke, shared with me how her son, Ty, forget his jacket one day and was so cold at school during recess. His mom does not run to his aid and as a result, Ty has never forgotten his jacket again. Ty is responsible for his choices and is growing into a great young man.
Household chores should be part of all homes. Teaching kids to work for a small allowance by paying for the chores they do, helps them understand the real world. You must work if you expect to get paid, or you will be fired and not be able to buy the things you need or want.
When my kids were all still home it drove me crazy to see their stuff strewn about the whole house. I finally told them I was going to collect their stuff each night after they had gone to bed and anything I found was going in my collection basket and they would have to pay me to get it back. One daughter told me,” I am not paying to get my homework back because there is no way you are going to keep it.” Her teacher agreed with my rule when this child told her she didn’t have her homework because her mom confiscated it. She soon learned to put homework in her backpack where it belonged.
That leads me to the next natural consequence area of homework. Sometimes a child is embarrassed when they don’t do their homework and are called on in class to give an answer and they do not know it since they didn’t study it. Other times their poor grades remove them from sports activities they desire to be in. Maybe even in the long-term, they are unable to go to the University they want too, due to poor GPA scores. Every child must learn to take responsibility for their own progression in school. You cannot follow your child to work every day when he is an adult to remind him of his responsibilities. Far easier for a child to learn the lesson in their youth. Getting a poor grade is a natural consequence and not nearly as painful as losing a job!
Behavior in the community is the last area I will touch on. Sometimes our kids act poorly at their friend’s house and are not invited back. That is another natural consequence. Or maybe they are out joyriding and lose track of their speed and the natural consequence shows up in a speeding ticket. Once a child of mine experienced this. The State we lived in at the time required an adult to accompany their child to court if they were under 18 for a speeding ticket. Once we were there, the judge immediately asked when her case was presented who was paying the ticket. My daughter’s quick response was, “Me, I am the one who sped and my mom would never pay it.” The judge then thanked me in a loud voice so everyone in the courtroom could hear it, and commented on how this child is being taught responsibility and she will think twice before she speeds again. We also had a rule in our family that when you received two speeding tickets you were removed from our insurance. This further instilled the natural consequence process.
Does failure really work? Let’s take a closer look. Chip Ingram, the author of “Let Your Kids Fail” teaches us by allowing our children to fail gives them a “life-altering perspective on the realities of working for a goal. He reminds us that we do a disservice when we cover for them or alleviate the consequences and we are denying the opportunities for growth that come with failure and disappointment.” Our kids must learn how to cope so they can build their confidence and learn how to persevere. Yes, there will be bumps and bruises, some of their own doing and others inflicted upon them, but as a result, they will learn how to hold their own and will be better for it.
Susan Newman teachest that “today’s overprotective, failure avoidant parenting style has undermined the competence, independence, and academic potential of an entire generation. One university student she said became conditioned of a fear of failure. In Newman’s book, “The Gift of Failure”, she reminds us that failure helps children to learn about themselves and they will recover. Another point she offered was to be “patient and trust in your kids and remember when we say let me do that for you, we are telling our kids they are not capable.” Newman also wrote that the harder kids work to overcome challenges, the smarter they become and those children whose parents support autonomy become more competent and resilient. Her last point reminds us that kids who pursue their own goals are likely to meet them and stick with them for the long haul.
The word crisis is a scary word. James Lehman teaches us about the word, crisis. He shares with us that “The Chinese symbol for crisis is a combination of the symbols for danger and opportunity. And yes, a crisis presents a danger, but it also presents an opportunity. Allow your child to learn, failure is an opportunity to get your child to look at himself.”
Let’s review what a few others think of failure. This advice comes from well-known individuals who embraced failure and is quoted from the online site, Develop Good Habits.
- Elvis Presley, “When things go wrong, don’t go with them.”
- Michael Jordan, “I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
- Vincent Van Gogh, “What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”
- JK Rowling, “… rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
- Thomas Edison, “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
As you have now understood from the information presented there are many reasons why failure is actually positive. Please remember that failure brings forth many good fruits, both for the parents who desire the very best for their child and ultimately for the child.
By choosing to let our kids fail in their own personal life, in the home, at school, and within our communities, we are affording them the best opportunity to face any crisis in life and come off the conqueror. They will learn how to cope and face the natural consequences of their own decisions head-on. As a result, both parents and children will learn to view failure as a positive. We can alter the trend of bringing up entitled kids who cannot succeed in the real world. The new generation will grow into confident, young adults who are ready to be a force for positive change in their world. They will be competent adults who can weather the storms of life by being empowered through failure to reach their goals.
Failure, when experienced properly, is not failure. I plead with you to allow failure to be the teacher it was meant to be so that our next generation of kids can achieve their dreams!
Works Cited
Bean, S. (2019). 5 Areas to Let Your Child Face Natural Consequences. Empowering Parents. Web. https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/5-areas-to-let- your-child-face-natural-consequences/
Develop Good Habits. (2019). Top 9 Successful People Who Have Failed. Web. https://www.developgoodhabits.com/successful-people- failed/
Ingram, C. (2019). Let Your Kids Fail. [online] Focus on the Family. Web. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/spiritual-growth- for-kids/let-your-kids-fail
James Lehman, M. (2019). Benefits of Natural Consequences | Empowering Parents. [online] Empowering Parents. Available at: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should- let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/
Newman, S. (2015). How Allowing Children to Fail Helps Them Succeed. Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201508/h ow-allowing-children-fail-helps-them-succeed
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